I feel like I'm tearing apart sometimes. But after a really depressive episode last week, which really affected my cognitive, emotional, physical abilities etc. etc. , I can see why theres this chinese saying that goes somewhat like " You won't know what warmth is until you have experienced bitter cold". There are just so many things in life that are perceived RELATIVE to other things.
It started out with studying with Iz and Ghim yest. Iz was discussing her sociology class and asked us " what do you think definition of promiscuity is?". Dumbfounded for a while, andd i feebly attempted " err...its not absolute isn't it. I mean it depends on different culture backgrounds." She presented hers, which was really mind-blowing in a way. "Someone is promiscuous if she has more sex than you. relative to someone".
I mean thats really true. come to think of it, I always measure myseelf relative to other people. Maybe relative is just a euphemism of competition. AHHHH. There it is. I measure my own happiness, relative to what other people have, making myself feel more warmth and better self-efficacy when I htink that there are many other homeless people , many who don't get to go to school or choose the school they want to and the list can go on forever. I measure my "success" in a course in comparison to the class average. A standard deviation of 10 points above the mean is considered a success on a test. I measure my level of accmoplishment on any single day to the amount of work I did on another day when I was in the feel. Comparision, competition and relativism. Does all things in life really have to be such relative constructs?
I kinda figured out that perhaps the reason why I feel so ambivalent sometimes is because I am always strugglign to find that balance- the balance between absolute perfectionism ( which i will never do because thats simply Obsessive Compulsive) and the laid-back attitude at the other end of the spectrum. Many times I get complacent when i get slightly ahead in the rat race, lie back a little, only to realise after a short while that I am lagging. Which then inspires a mini-panic attack, that makes me pull up my socks and work hard again.
Which is exactly my point. Why can't I strive for internal excellence? You know, excellence where I count myself as my only competitor. Not grades, not classmates, not friends, not families. I know when I felt that I was learning because I really lvoed that subject, I retain and understnad that materials so much better. When I learn and truly try to understnad the material, which I appreicate what the US system has taught me to, I often do much better and therefore feel happier.
What is happiness? What is your definition of excellence- isnt that by itself a man-made construct too? What is competition? Is there always an absolute adaptation?
Probably the meaning of life is again, to pursue happiness. Recently I discovered that I might just fall intoo the high risk spectrum for depression because I have simply such bad negative cognitive triad and pessimistic explanatory. (For an explanation for these concepts proposed by the psychologist Aaron Beck, click
here). Because I felt liek the whole of last wweek, when unhappy things started hitting me one after another and on and on, I could't even fight back. It was after a whole week of trying to think it out straight and faced in the impending pressure of having to prepare for my finals, that I literally forced myself out of it. But for now, I won't say I feel happiness ( for that would be totally manic to feel intense happiness right out of a depressive period), but I can feel myself, I can feel my friends and I got back my cognitive abilities. I woudl say...I feel like I'm alive.
Im just really thankful for all those people who hung on to me, encouraged me, talked to me and brightened up by days just by checking on me. I really hope I can be such a strength to my friends if they need it too ( hopefully not). For now, just let me get a little better and soak in this influx of blessings and care:)
P.S. Thanks to all you know who you are:) lovee
